It was negative. I'm so sad but have had to push the pain down deep and keep smiling for now. My sister is getting married this weekend and I am a bridesmaid. Bittersweet times. I always thought I would be pregnant for the wedding. A beautiful big baby bump. I spent so much time worrying about the choice of dress incase i was too big. All that worry for nothing. Today at a family breakfast someone unexpectedly asked if they could pray for me. The tears started to well and I gulped back a huge sob-quickly pushing it back down. At least I feel she cares- when I feel others avoid the issue. There is a fountain of grief buried deep within my soul -threatening to break through at any moment. It bubbles at the surface for brief moments before I swallow it back down. Unless i'm alone - then i'm a mess. Gotta keep smiling right. It will happen. Stay positive. Blah blah blah.

I don't have much computer time during the day, and then I waste it by playing mind numbing tetris or farmville. Not much time for blogging or much motivation.

My plan for now is to see the Doc next week. I think my endo and adhesions may be back as i've had pelvic pain. Depending on what he says, I will either do another natural FET or...Take a month off to try and lose some weight and get my fitness back up or....Do another Stim cycle to beat the January price rises due to the government safety net changes.

My thoughts and prayers are will all those who are sharing this journey. My heartaches to know that all around the world there are others going through this same pain- and others who are experiencing greater pain and loss. There is so much tradegy in the world. It overwhelms me - this deep sadness. At the same time I know I have so much to be thankful for and will keep trusting in the Lord no matter what. Infertility will not defeat us! For now I will be sad, grieve the hope and dreams lost. Then dust my self off and keep on walking this walk....